Are you being served?

If you like coffee and you haven't been on Mars for the last few years, you'll be very familiar with the changes that have taken place to the way that we consume coffee.  Over the years we have moved from being a nation that enjoys being served at a table to one where self-service is the order of the day.

The rise of the American-styled, self-service coffee chains has led to the Americanisation of yet another part of our daily lives, which has inflicted a whole new service model on the caffeine-hungry consumer.

If you visit any chain-operated coffee bar, and an increasing number of independent operators, the enjoyment all but evaporates the moment you walk in.  The sanitised process starts with a queue as you wait in line to be served; when you finally get to place your order, having had to decipher a myriad of coffee options and then select the size of the chosen beverage (why can't they just offer you "large" or "small" rather than "regular" or "tall" or "grande"?).  Then comes the "upselling" question, the one that marketeers must have been very proud of when they decided that every customer is likely to spend more if they're asked to: "would you like anything with that?".  Invariably, it's a "no" because I think I might be old enough to know whether I would like a small piece of heated dough and smidgen of chocolate, sorry pain au chocolate, which I will be asked to pay around £1.70.  What next?  "Does sir need to use the toilet?"

Once you have negotiated the ordering stage,  you then have to wait until your beverage is served.  If, when your drink emerges, you want sugar you have to take your tray to another area where milk, sugar, ridiculous wooden stirring sticks and serviettes are available.

At this point, and you could have been in the cafe for 10 or more minutes, you're still nowhere near being able to enjoy your rapidly-cooling beverage.  The next part in this consumer-unfriendly environment is being able to find a vacant table to sit at; if you're with friends or colleagues you can deploy the pincer movement on arrival: one queues for the drinks whilst the others find a table.  However, in some establishments even this forward-thinking activity is frowned upon.  If you're alone then it's every coffee-lover for themselves.

Of course, being British no one wants to have to share a table even if this means occupying a table for 4 and then spreading out newspapers and laptops to ensure that no other customer will dare to enquire if they can join you.  What did the owners expect?  That we would all lapse into Friends-esque exuberance at 8.00 in the morning (or at any time of the day for that matter)?

So, we're finally at our table and in a few short minutes we've consumed our lukewarm cappuccino (the best advice is to always go for a black coffee because at least the coffee will still be hotter than the milky alternatives).  What next?  What if you want another drink?  If you're with friends, again, no problem; if you're alone what do you do?  Do you leave all your belongings alone and exposed, and then nervously keep checking that your prize laptop is still where you left it as you endure another customer service nightmare?  Or do you pack everything up and go?

Emotionally, I packed up and left the chains behind some time ago because I think that enjoying a coffee or tea or whatever you prefer should be a pleasant experience and not a trip down memory lane to the school canteen.  I now go out of my way to avoid the chains (sometimes you have no choice: it is either a McKing burger bar or coffee chain), and always choose those places where you do get service (even a genuine smile) and a decent coffee (as opposed to a superdupersillyfrillylattefrothyccino).

Such places are out there waiting for your custom and when you do find them you won't be disappointed; you will enjoy the difference between the clinical, sausage-machine approach to selling coffee and the more personal approach where staff are generally pleased to serve you, an experience which most Europeans still enjoy.

With the chains achieving ridiculously high mark-ups on the cost of the raw ingredients (7p per espresso shot is what it costs them) they are going to be with us for some time to come, but if we want to avoid a chain-only coffee future then I suggest that we all try to seek out those coffee bars where the last thing you're asked is: "do you want anything with that?".